Why We Sabotage Good Relationships

"The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves."— Sophocles

It starts subtly.

You meet someone. A friend, a partner, maybe even just a stranger with kind eyes. Something clicks. There’s trust. Joy. That fragile sense of being seen and accepted.

But then, out of nowhere, you feel it. The distance creeping in. The urge to pull back. A sharp comment. A sudden silence. A reason to doubt, or test, or retreat.

They didn’t change. But something in you did.

This is self-sabotage. And when it comes to relationships, it's one of the most misunderstood forces in human life.

The irony? We tend to ruin the connections we want most. Not because we’re cruel. But because we’re scared.

Philosophy (especially Stoicism) and modern psychology agree: what breaks us is rarely other people. It's the unexamined parts of ourselves that we bring to them.

So why do we keep doing it? And more importantly, how can we stop?

I. What Is Self-Sabotage, Really?

Self-sabotage in relationships isn’t about malice. It’s about protection. You’re trying to shield yourself from pain, rejection, abandonment, or loss ... often before it even happens. So you act preemptively. You criticize. You overreact. You withdraw.

It’s the emotional version of “I’ll leave before I’m left.”

Freud called this the "repetition compulsion": the unconscious drive to recreate familiar pain, even when we hate it. Why? Because familiarity feels safer than the unknown.

But modern psychology adds another layer. What we sabotage most often is not danger: it's intimacy. We fear being known, because being known means being vulnerable. And vulnerability is where we keep our deepest wounds.

II. The Stoic Mirror: It's Not About Them

The Stoic philosophers of ancient Rome, thinkers like Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius, believed that suffering doesn’t come from what happens to us, but from how we interpret what happens.

So when a friend cancels plans or a partner seems distant, we often don’t react to the event itself. We react to the story we instantly tell ourselves about it:

• “They’re losing interest.”

• “They don’t respect me.”

• “I always get left behind.”

And then, driven by those stories, we act in ways that make them come true.

The Stoics urge us to pause. Observe the story. Challenge it. Ask: is this really what's happening? Or is this my fear talking?

Self-sabotage is often an overcorrection. A panic response to a perceived threat. But if we can learn to recognize that space between event and reaction, we can choose differently.

III. Fear of Love (Yes, That’s a Real Thing)

Love is what we crave most. And what we fear most.

Being loved means being exposed. No mask. No performance. Just you. And for many, that’s terrifying. Because deep down, a part of us whispers:"If they really see me, they’ll leave."

This fear doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s shaped by:

• Childhood attachment patterns

• Past betrayals

• Internalized shame

• Cultural messages about self-worth

So we stay guarded. We test people. We push them just enough to see if they’ll stay. And when they don’t — or when the connection frays, we say, “See? I knew it.”

But what we rarely admit is this: We created the very thing we were afraid of.

IV. Marcus Aurelius and Emotional Responsibility

The Stoics didn’t believe in blaming others for our emotions.

Marcus Aurelius wrote, “You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

This doesn’t mean repress your feelings. It means take responsibility for them.

When you feel insecure in a relationship, ask:

• Where is this feeling really coming from?

• What past experience is it echoing?

• Am I asking this person to heal a wound they didn’t cause?

Self-sabotage often happens when we try to externalize our healing. We want our partner to fix us. To prove they won’t hurt us. To carry the weight of pain we haven’t unpacked.

But no one can do that for you.

They can hold space. But you have to clean the wound.

V. The Invisible Tests We Run

One of the most common forms of sabotage is unconscious testing.

You start fights over nothing. You pull away to see if they’ll chase. You set up emotional obstacles just to see if they’ll still be there. It feels like self-protection. But it’s a trap. Instead of building trust, you create volatility. You punish love for trying to reach you. And often, by the time you realize it, they’re gone.

The Stoics would ask: what are you really testing? Usually, it’s not the other person. It’s your own belief in your lovability. You don’t trust their love because you don’t trust your worth.

VI. The Myth of the “Ideal Partner”

Modern culture loves the idea of the perfect match. The soulmate. The partner who just “gets it.” But this fantasy can also fuel sabotage.

Because when things get hard, as they inevitably do, we tell ourselves, “Maybe this isn’t the right person. If it were meant to be, it wouldn’t feel this hard.”

This belief kills growth.

The Stoics believed that virtue, not compatibility, makes a relationship strong. That includes patience, communication, emotional regulation, and self-awareness.

A good relationship isn’t frictionless. It’s forged through friction.

And if you keep jumping ship every time discomfort arises, you may never reach the depth you claim to want.

VII. Psychological Sabotage Patterns (And How to Spot Yours)

Here are a few classic sabotage behaviors:

• Stonewalling: emotionally shutting down or avoiding difficult conversations

• Blame-shifting: turning every conflict into the other person’s fault

• Hyper-criticism: focusing on flaws so you don’t have to feel your own vulnerability

• Emotional withdrawal: disappearing when things feel too real

• Pushing for conflict: provoking reactions as a way to feel control

Each of these is a defense mechanism. But every one of them prevents intimacy.

To stop sabotaging, you have to recognize the moves your ego makes to avoid being seen.

VIII. Healing Is Not Their Job

This is hard to hear, but freeing once accepted. It is not your partner’s job to rescue you from your past.

Their love can be nourishing. But it is not medicine for old wounds. That work belongs to you.

The Stoics believed in radical self-governance. Emotional maturity means owning your reactions, healing your history, and not making others pay for pain they didn’t cause.

You don’t need to be healed to be in love. But you do need to be responsible.

If you’re not willing to look at the places where you hurt, and how that hurt leaks onto others, you’ll keep repeating the same relationships with different people.

IX. The Power of Choosing Trust

Trust is not a guarantee. It’s a choice. And sometimes, it’s a choice you make every single day, especially when your instinct is to run or hide.

Seneca once wrote, “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”

To stay open when your heart says, “Hide.”To speak the truth when silence feels safer.To forgive when holding a grudge would feel more powerful. These are acts of emotional courage. They are the opposite of sabotage. And they are what build the kind of love that lasts.

X. Letting Love In (Even When It Feels Unsafe)

You want love. But love isn’t just about being chosen. It’s about letting yourself be loved.

That’s the scariest part. To let someone see the mess. The need. The anxiety. The unfinished healing. But that’s the only way to build something real. Not a performance. Not a fantasy. A relationship.

And that begins with this simple truth: you are allowed to be loved even while you’re still healing.

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be fearless. You only have to be willing. Willing to look at your own patterns. Willing to speak what’s hard. Willing to stay present even when it hurts.

Final Thought

You are not broken for sabotaging something good. You’re scared.

But fear isn’t the end of the story. It’s the beginning of a better one. You can learn new patterns. You can take responsibility. You can soften without losing your power.

The Stoics didn’t teach emotional suppression. They taught strength through awareness. And in love, awareness is everything.

So the next time you feel yourself pulling away, ask yourself why.Ask what you’re trying to protect.And then, choose to stay just a little longer. That’s where real love begins.